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25 Jan 08, submitted by Ross Hutton ...Not actually a joke, but good On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." > The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" > So God agreed. > On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." > The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" > And God agreed. > On the third day, God created the cow and said: > "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this I will give you a life span of sixty Years." > The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" > And God agreed again. > On the fourth day, God created man and said: > "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." > But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" > "Okay," said God > "You asked for it." > So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. > Life has now been explained to you. 4 Jan 08 submitted by Belinda -- A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the F*** off now, cause we're in a hurry! and all of you bastards who are getting on, get the F*** on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
15 Jan 08 (submitted by Bob Nichols)--- Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. 14 Jan 08 SPEEDING TICKET (submitted by Bob Nichols) 11 jan 08 A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!" 8 Jan 08 As you may know, the Melbourne housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Sydney. My friend Fred, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighbourhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided not to mention the dog to his landlord (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Fred out. But Fred, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Fred keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Fred came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Fred panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction, he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbour one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Fred. "We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighbourhood." "Why? What happened?" replied Fred. The neighbour replied: "Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage." 4 Jan 08 submitted by Belinda A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger." 3 Jan 08 3 guys, one English man, one Australia and one irish guy have been arrested in an isolated country and condemned to die by the guillotine. The English guy was the first one to put his head on the block. One, two three, the blade raced towards his neck, and ... 2 cm before it sliced through the blade stopped. WOW, amazement all around. Try again, cried the henchman. Second time ready, the blade dropped again, same thing. Stopped 2 cm be3for it hit. Now the henchman was really mad. Change to a heavier blade, he cried. A third try proceeded, same problem. Now the henchman started to think. Wow, he says, God is on your side. You are free to go. Now to the Australia guy. Same thing, three tries, no success. God must be really on your side, the henchman yelled. Go free and leave the country. Now to the Irish guy. First try proceeding, the blade stopped short again. What the heck is going on, cried the henchman. The irish man looked up and yelled: Wait, there is a nail sticking out in the runner. 1 Jan 08 Joke contributed by Belinda An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked". Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile." Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast. 31 Dec 07 An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!" 29 Dec 07 "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. 28 Dec 07 A new Year Resolution I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 26 Dec 07 Buy one, get three free An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister." 26 Dec 07 Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift." Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" |
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